As moms, we can feel so guilty for doing things we enjoy. In today’s episode we’re talking about the accidental beauty in the imperfect, and unintentional moments of motherhood and how being yourself is enough.

In This Episode Keita Discusses:

·       How mothers can feel guilty for doing what we love

·       Perfectionism and the impact our self-talk has on our kids

·       The difference between teaching our kids through telling and showing

·       The beauty in imperfection as a mother

Mentioned in this Episode:

How have you been expectedly or unintentionally inspired your children?

DM Keita on Instagram @artbykeita

Hello and welcome to the painty mama podcast. We're taught that artists are poor, throw kids in the mix and it seems impossible to thrive. while balancing motherhood creative projects and building a business along with everything else is hard. I believe the universe gave you your unique talents and children so you could live a full inspiring, creative, beautiful life together. Join me for conversations about creativity, motherhood, business, and finding calm in the chaos. I'm Keita Thomas. And this is the painty mama podcast. Hello, lovely. In today's episode, I want to talk to you about how we inspire our children through being imperfect human beings. Do you ever find yourself thinking, I can't do that exercise routine because I've got kids, I can't do that art project or sewing thing because I've got children and I can't do anything because I've got children, and I will never do anything ever again. Sorry for the voice. But you might get some more of those little treats. If you keep listening. And…

yeah, so do you end up saying that to yourself, because I certainly do. And instead of doing anything that I love, I don't mean anything but doing the things that I love to do that bring me life that just light me up and get me excited, I end up running around all day, putting out fires, and just doing the everyday things that keep my home ticking over that keep my life ticking over. You know, we've all got these responsibilities, and our children are a huge part of that. And I'm at home with my children most of the day. And I know that's not the case for all mums. But for me, that's a huge part of my day is being interrupted and and just doing a lot of home things all day. And I think we've got this overwhelming voice in our culture that deems hobbies or simply doing something for the sake of enjoying your life as frivolous and unimportant. And the mum guilt that comes along with doing something that you love, not for any goal or gain. But just for this simple enjoyment of it, just because you love to do it, it just gets so much bigger than it did pre-kids. At least, I can only talk for myself here, I have felt super guilty for doing things that I loved to the point where I didn't do anything that I loved anymore, because I thought it was taking away from my children.

And, I was just so wrong, it took me a long time to realize quite how important it is to fulfill myself as a person, because it actually makes me a way better Mum, I'm far more patient, I find it easier to be kind. And I pass on a passion and a zest for life to my children that I otherwise would not be expressing and they would never experience. I think that in our society, a lot of us women feel unfulfilled or ashamed for wanting to be anything in addition to being the mother, or we'll just talk about motherhood for right now. But anything in addition to being a mother is really like we feel like this defensiveness and like we have to fight for it. And I think our ancestors have done a really great job of fighting for us. And I'm so grateful to all of those amazing women that have come before us and have fought so hard to allow the feminine to rise. So that we; and we're continuing that fight to you know, it's a long, it's a long-term goal to get women and girls equal treatment to men. And yet, with the rise of the feminine has come this additional pressure to do more, more, more, have the perfect, organized clean home that's, you know, show stopping and ready for people to drop by and looks absolutely perfect. And also have meals that are Pinterest worthy and a blog with recipes all over it. That you've just you know, casually become a chef overnight and your'e a chef as well as a mum and, you know the ultimate housekeeper and not to mention all of the body pressures (which I'm sure will save for another episode sometime maybe) but oh, there's just a lot on us women isn't there? There's just a lot for us to deal with. And we run ourselves ragged trying to be perfect. And I think it's killing us. There's a quote I really like by Alice Walker who wrote The Color Purple. And she says in nature, nothing is perfect, and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted bent in weird ways. And still, they're beautiful. And aren't we things of nature? Isn't it okay that were bent and contorted in weird ways? And we're all different. And we all have our ups and downs and warts and knobbly bits and weird quirks as people. And that's actually what makes us beautiful. So, what if you don't have to be perfect? Can you just try your best and let good enough be good enough? I would think that would relieve so much pressure from all of us. What does that perfectionism that we put on ourselves, that weighs us down that weighs our hearts down, what does that perfectionism teach our kids while they watch us? you know, beat ourselves up for not doing x, y, z, perfectly. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that our kids watch our every move, don't they?

I'm sure if you're a mom listening to this, it sometimes gets a little bit creepy, like how much your children copy and watch everything that you do. But more than just watching the things that you do. I've noticed that my children watch my every mood. The words that we mutter under our breath to ourselves and beat ourselves up for literally nothing. I caught myself numerous times going like, you know, "argh Keita orgh you idiot! Oh, you did that wrong. That was stupid, oh you silly fool." And I'll just be you know, grumbling to myself, thinking no one's listening to me thinking I'm just talking to myself, and I'm Mr. Invisible over here. All the time. There's these, you know, three pairs of eyes on me. And three pairs of ears listening in to everything that I'm saying to myself. And although they don't say that, to me, it becomes the voice in their heads. And I really got a lesson in this when I heard my oldest daughter, she started talking to herself, like that.

There was this one day where she was trying to put her shoes on, and she was going, "Oh, you can't do anything, right, this is terrible. This is on the wrong foot. I'll never be able to put a pair of shoes on properly." And she was just being so hard on herself. And I was shocked and mortified at how she was talking to herself hand on chest like inside mama tears like, "how is she feeling like that?" I'm always telling her how amazing she is. Because she is she's an amazing person. And she's great and putting his shoes on, how has she come to think that she is not capable of doing that? And why is she rushing herself? And then, I realized in that moment, because immediately my immediate thought was, "you've taught her that, you idiot."

And I did it again. And that's when I caught myself. Does that make sense? So she was telling herself that she was an idiot. I then heard her going "where she got this from," then turned around to myself going, "Oh, you idiot. You've taught her that". muttering under my breath! I mean, that's about it right then. And I'm laughing about it. Because, you know, this was a while ago, and I'm talking about this with you because it's something that I consciously try to work on. And I've been working on it for a long time. And it's quite hard to break that habit of not being hard on yourself. And my thoughts do slip out. I'm the kind of mom that just mumbles and just that crazy mom that has always talked to their kids, even when they could definitely not understand me, I was just yammering away about the price of beans in the supermarket when you know, their head couldn't even stick up properly on its own. They have always been subjected to my language, and always subjected to my voice constantly. And I want that for them because they're my babies. And I love them. And I want to be around them and I want to teach them about the world and show them the world. But I also have to be conscious about what exactly is that I'm teaching them when I'm not in moments of consciously teaching them.

Then that led me on to thinking about how do I want her to feel about herself and about her life? Do I want her to feel like she has to be perfect? Let's just take a minute to think about your own kids. Is it okay for them to get it wrong? Is it okay for them to do stuff wrong? Of course it is. But why are we so hard on ourselves, and more to the point Let's stop being so hard on ourselves because it's impossible to be all the things. So let's just like not beat ourselves up about spilling a bit of milk on the counter, and not beat ourselves up for putting our shoes on the wrong feet. Because it starts with us, then that led me to think about what world I do want her to live in, and what the world will look like through her eyes and her experiences as she grows into a woman. And I decided I wanted to live in a world where she feels worthy just for being. A world where it's possible, heck probable, that she can do what she loves, be who she is, and succeed. A world where her voice matters, and why helping people and kindness matters. This goes for all my kids. By the way, I'm not just singling out the one daughter, I'm just using her as an example. And I just want them all to know that it's okay to try and fail and try again and fail again and keep going and going because they want to not because their self worth hinges on whether or not they succeed.

As a kid, there was a bit of a saying in our house that was "follow your dreams", I felt really lucky that my parents were so encouraging. And yet I didn't feel like I really could follow my dreams like I wasn't allowed. And like big dreams. And big dreams like being an artist for for other people. I don't know who those other people were, in my mind, just better people, more worthy people, cleverer people, cooler people, I'm not really sure who exactly. But that's what I had in my mind that that just wasn't for me. And I felt embarrassed about claiming it, I would never have said to anyone "I want to be an artist when I grew up", because it would have just come with so many "You can't do that" comments that I just kind of kept it to myself, and just drew a lot, but I never said anything about it. I can mostly put this down to my schooling, I think I don't think it was as much to do with my parents as it was the culture of my school, I went to a Catholic school in the UK. And it was, it was pretty strict. And I kept myself small and contained within the expected parameters of grades, learning when to speak up and mostly when to be quiet. And I remember writing exams and putting on opinions that I didn't hold because I knew that will get me an A just for regurgitating on an exam. And we were encouraged to do that. And that made me a "good girl". But I don't want my kids to be "good". I want them to be great and great people don't make themselves small, they make noise about things that they care about. And they speak up for people who need help, and they create lives that are great.

I want them to become the people that the universe placed them here with me as their first guide, to be. I really believe that every child is a miracle. When you think about you know the science of it. And the probability of a child actually being born and becoming a whole person. The statistics are mind blowing. So if it is true, that every person is a miracle, then surely we've all got some kind of purpose to fulfill here. And I want to help them to be doing that. Whatever that is. And whether that's being a doctor or a dancer, or a math whiz, or I don't know what, I really don't care what it is. I just want them to care about what it is. And I want to encourage them to be great people. And I want to show them, I don't just want to tell them, "follow your dreams". I want to show them follow your dreams, and see what happens I want them to see me trying and failing, and getting up and trying again and failing again and trying again and succeeding and then failing and succeeding and failing and failing and all of the things that we have to deal with in life while covered in paint and smiles because that is me and that's the person that I am when I'm at my best.

I love painting and it's okay for them to try it what they love to do too. I want to show them in both my words and actions that it's possible for them to be creative and make a living at it if that's what they want to do. Last month I had a really sweet moment with one of my kiddos she's been helping me through a busy work season in the lead up To Christmas. So it's January as I'm recording this, but this was in November. And I was trying really hard not to let work take away from my mom duties. But it's really hard to find the balance sometimes. And it kind of goes through seasons. And this was just a busy work season. And I had to spend more time than usual in my home studio. And I was feeling super guilty. And I asked her to help me because I was so busy, I was asking her to help me. And she was helping me with putting the stickers on the envelopes and sprinkling the star confetti that I put into every order, she was helping me with all of that. And the studio floor was just covered in crayons and their drawings and papers as they were hanging out in here with me. And I hadn't really been paying attention to be honest, because I was too wrapped up in what I was doing. And I broke off to make dinner. And as I'm stirring the pot of pasta, I hear this little voice "come and buy beautiful things from my online shop". And I went upstairs. And I paid invisible money for a lovely little picture that she drawn and she had all of these drawings that she'd done, for the whole time that she'd been in the studio with me. She'd been working on these drawings. So I chose my favorite one, paid invisible money for it, and she packaged it up for me. I didn't even know that she'd noticed this, but she'd redesigned her own version of my thank you cards complete with the little space for a name to be written in. And she'd wrapped in tissue paper and sprinkled the little confetti over it. And I overheard her say to a little sister about an hour after dinner. "I want to be an artist like mommy when I grow up". And I mean, obviously I cried. And I just wanted to share that with you. Because I think that the intention that I was setting was just to do what I love. That was my intention was I've got a bunch of orders, I love doing it. I was looking forward to it. But I was feeling selfish and guilty because I wasn't playing. And the very thing that I was feeling guilty for was actually teaching her what I want to teach her. And I didn't even realize I was trying to teach her that in that moment. And I wanted to share that with you because my intention to bring all the things that I was talking about earlier in this episode to my children, they were all in the back of my mind, I wasn't thinking about and it, I wasn't mindfully teaching her in that moment. But she was watching me. That's all she was just, watching me. And the very thing I felt guilty about doing was actually showing her what I wanted to teach her in the first place.

As mamas we've got such power in what we do and how we act and react around our children. You don't have to be something perfect that you're not to be a good mom to be a great mom, and to influence and inspire your children. We can do that just by being who we want to be in our natural, what brings us joy state. So I hope that from today's episode, you can think about how we can't underestimate the small things we do around our children. Maybe it's okay to let them see working and trying sometimes and failing sometimes, and we don't have to entertain them, or wrap 100% of our life all the time around their education and playdates or their dream things to do. Perhaps we can just show them what's possible. And perhaps that's enough.

Thanks so much for spending time with me today. I'd love to know how you've been expectedly or unintentionally inspired your children. You can find me @artbykeita over on Instagram, where you can connect with me on my website keitathomas.com please feel free to leave a comment or a review right here where you're listening as it helps other mamas to find us, and wishing you an inspiring week mama, see you next time!